you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
