My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
