Someone shit on the floor
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize