Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
