My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
