dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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