WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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