I wish my penis had an off switch
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
did you just send me my own nude
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
