when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
