I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
