that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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