you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
