that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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