if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
