don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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