Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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