I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's never too late to be topless.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
