you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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