Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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