Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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