Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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