If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
