he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
