My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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