I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
