i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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