I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
