i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We're using joints as your birthday candles
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
