Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
