i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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