first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so let's talk penis.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
