Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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