she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize