Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
