The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
