I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
