she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
