Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
