It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I need a burrito and a hug.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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