In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize