im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she told me i tasted like america
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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