Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
