I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
