im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
