We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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