Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
FUCK WHALES
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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