I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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