if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
