Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
