"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
