Tell her she can't have a vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
