I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
