Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
