the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
