just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
