Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
