so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
