Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
