I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
